Crawling? No, Running Out of My Cave

Limping into the doctor’s office at OHSU, I repeat to myself “Stay positive.  Stay positive.  It could just be a pulled hip flexor.”   However, the realist in me knows this feeling.  I know the feeling when I go out for a test run and I feel a sharp throbbing pain in one specific spot.  I know that feeling when the pain runs deeper than the muscle.  Sure enough, the doctor informs me “stress fracture at your right lesser trochanter and subtrochanteric femur” and points to some place where my leg and hip attach by the groin. Crap.  

Me on an actual roller coaster at the Santa Monica Pier

I manage to keep the tears from falling while in the doctor’s office, but the minute I step outside and phone my mom, I let it all out.  I needed to release my emotions.  I could accept the six to eight weeks off of running.  I could accept the science of how it was not so much an impact stress fracture, but closer to an acute fracture where my psoas yanked too much on my hip due to muscle weaknesses. But, I was overwhelmed with shame. I felt weak. How had I let this happen?  

The mental roller coaster of an injury is significantly more bumpy than the physical.  The physical healing process resembles somewhat of a linear line.  However, the mental aspect follows a more sinusoidal curve.  Throughout the last nine months, I have felt at the very bottom of the sinusoidal curve.  I have also had moments where I was just at the peak, but quickly fell back down due to another setback.  I have had moments where even the positive person in me could not see a light at the end of the tunnel.  

Can't run, but I can trudge through snow melt - Oneonta Gorge, OR

Yes, these months have reminded me of the importance of finding happiness without running.  Yes, these months have forced me to find a sense of worth without being a runner. Yet, they have also proved just how much I love the simple act of putting one foot in from of the other.  The hard workouts, the company of friends, and the competitions are all special.  But, what I am truly head over heals for is the simple act of “the run.”

Let's be real...I relied on countless carnitas-filled
meals to power me through

If I had to choose three words to describe myself, “tenacious” would be one of them.  I was not going to give up on running.  I do not regret all of the money and time I dedicated to the physical therapy appointments, plane flights, blood tests, iron infusions, chiropractic appointments, acupuncture appointments, or naturopath appointments.  I warmly welcomed needles (clearly had to combat my phobia of such), herbs that tasted like dirt, and burns from shock-wave therapy. I was determined to get better and I was determined to run again.

Today, I have the opportunity to run.  Am I still combating a bit of fear of injury?  Sure.  However, just like falling in love with someone, when you conquer self-doubt and you allow yourself to be vulnerable, that is when you cultivate a spiritual connection.  

I am so thankful for my family, my friends, Drew Hohensee at Kinetic Integration, the team at Maximum Mobility, Sean Dailey at Therapeutic Associates, Sarah Carter at Vitalize Acupuncture, and my amazing sponsor, Garden of Life, for supporting me throughout this bumpy road.

GOL products that fuel me from the moment I wake up to right before bed!